Saturday, April 2, 2011

Can get a shake with that Lie?

Jake the Shake Weight contacted me on match. He claims I was the only girl he'd ever emailed on the site (lie #1).
Jake the Shake Weight is a divorced personal trainer with cauliflower ear who has two huge dogs, and full custody of his 13-year-old son. He owns a house (wait, did he say apartment that time? #2), owns his own business (didn't that last text say he owns THREE businesses? #3) a degree in Nuclear Engineering (#4) and a Master's degree in some really long title that he simplified as, "basically computer hacking" (#5). He talked fast, ate fast and adorned every text with a variety of smiley faces :-/
We talked for about a week over the phone, text and email. He was kind of charming, quick-witted and super passionate about health and fitness. Above all he was passionate about meeting me. Within the first week I was invited to lunch, dinner, his son's lacross game, a Reds game, and his other son's 16th birthday party (wait, I thought he only had one son! #6).
The answer to every questions started with, "Weeeeeeeellllll.... it's kind of a long story" (aka lie).
I get approached by a lot of single dads who have full custody of the kiddos. I didn't even know there was so many of them out there. The story of why/how they became a single dad is usually convoluted and sad. His was just pathetic. I won't get into it. Another weird detail was that he hadn't seen his own mom in 6 years, but she had just popped back into his life that very day (#7?).
He was DYYYYYYYIIINNNNNGGGGGGG to meet me. He was willing to jump rivers to have a cup of coffee with me. It was weird. I finally freed up some time to hang out with him. I suggested a coffee shop. He wanted IHOP. Whatever. He suggested I let his MOM babysit for the coffee, the Reds game, the lacrosse game, etc. I sincerely declined.
IHOP was filthy, as expected. He was a little greasy and apparently really hungry having come straight from a workout. I dressed in basically my finest pajamas. (I'm clearly over it)  He literally shoved his face between stories about being hit by a car on the highway while changing a stranger's tire (#8), where his ex-wife lived (Louisville? Cinci? Middle Earth? [#9]), AND my favorite stack of lies: his degrees.
He must've built a woodshed to store all those gleaming degrees. At first he had two: a bachelor's and a master's as previously stated. In the next stated paragraph he had three: TWO bachelor's and a master's. After being questioned he had only one: a bachelor's! He then said he wasn't "sure whether this one counts", but he had "tested out" of his associate's degree! Like a fucking math class, he tested out! Incredible! On top of the associate's he had a bachelor's, and was three courses away from completing his master's! And all of this stellar education took place online (#s 10-17).
I left. I literally had to go. I didn't even finish my crepe. He went on and on about what I should be eating, and how often I should eat in order to get in shape. Unsolicited personal training in the crusty confines of an IHOP.
Thanks for dining. Please don't come again.
He called me on my way home. He wanted to know what I thought about him. He went on and on and on about the power of pheromones. I interrupted. I explained that I really wasn't feeling it. He let out a dramatic "Oh NoOOOO!" and I never heard from him again.
I'm checking to see if I might "test out" of a doctorate in something that basically means human lie detection. I think I've got a real shot.


  1. I'm pretty sure you've 'tested out' of the Human Lie Detecting degree. Actually, by the powers vested in have been granted a PhD in The Art of Lies and How to Detect Them. Plus, I was outta there after reading Cauliflower Ear. Nope. Peace!

  2. duuuuuuude. i think you got a shot too..fer real do!!! :) i love it. it reads so smooth and fast and i smiled the whole time. thank you for sharing.

  3. Waiting...checking daily to no avail.....hurry, hurry, hurry. I know you have nothing better to do. Send that BingBing over here in a box with holes in it and get to it!!!!! xooxoxoxxoxo

  4. still are commenting on other blogs but not paying enough attention to your own......HURRY UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥

  5. OMG i don't know HOW i forgot this but he also told me that he joined the NAVY at one point, but faked a nervous breakdown to get out. after that he was homeless in florida so he became a Dj AND AND AND danced in MALE REVUES! HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH hook, line and SINKER!