Friday, February 18, 2011

Bahrain Brian

Bahrain Brian was another eharmony gem.
He was a suit&tie kinda guy just returning to the states after doing contract work for the government in Iraq and Bahrain. His profile photos depicted a Benicio Del Toro doppelganger. He loved music, traveling, food, wine, and could speak about 4 languages. He was one of the first dudes eharmony ever hooked me up with. We fucking winked and shit, and eventually got around to emailing, but never communicated on a regular basis.
Out of the blue he starts blowing me up. Emails lead to text messages. Text messages to facebook friends. He's a new convert to Catholicism. He comments on the facebook pics of my daughter's baptism. Seems like a good dude, overall.
I keep phone conversations short and sweet. Mostly because I'm becoming jaded and bitter, but also because the sound of his squeaky voice makes the cilia in my ear curl. We make plans for a date...
Date night:::  ....he is 30 minutes late...
His lateness earns him a friendly handshake rather than a hug, and I quiver at his weak&squishy grip.
His profile says he is a nonsmoker, but he reeks of cigs, and I make out a square pack in his pocket.
He has a terrible habit of starting sentences and not finishing them, which prompted me to give a reflex "HUNH???" about 79 times per conversation.
Nevermind that, his profile also states he is 5'9''. I wore a 4 inch heel with a one inch platform (I'm 5'4'') and towered over him. He was built like Peter Griffin. Bad teeth, bad clothes and bad cologne (I'm pretty sure he was wearing Curve cologne, yikes!!). Benicio Del Toro he was not....
Within the first hour he informed me he is "big" and wears Trojan Magnum condoms, and that the best lube is KY for Her "in the pinkish box", and he thinks I'll like it, too. A good Catholic he was not....
I already had a martini in me at that point, and felt a little too buzzed to drive or else I would've left on that note.
Two hours into the date he casually mentions his favorite porn is Arab Amature, and provides me with a brief description of what that entails.
Date over.

texts the next day: BeniciNO: "just checking to see you made it home ok"
                           Me: yep, sure did.
                           BeniciNO: it took me 4 hours to get home, i had to keep stopping because i was so tired. [the asshole only lives 40 minutes from me]
                           Me: that's weird
                           Me again: i appreciated the date, but I am not interested in seeing you again.
He had no response, and erased me from his facebook before i had a chance to do the same.

Boring Ben

I met Boring Ben the most boring way possible: (Vajayjay was in Costa Rica at the time)
He was a good-looking bald dude. He was in to working out, eating healthy, and me. We did the eharmony shuffle which consists of:
step 1.) fucking "wink"
step 2.) send 5 contrived close-ended questions that mean nothing to nobody
step 3.) send "must haves&can't stands". (The technicalities of MH&CS are simple: pick 10 from a list of about 50 reprehensible personality traits you abhor, and pick 10 of 50 personality traits a potential mate must possess. The 'can't stands' range from pedophilia to bankruptcy. The 'must haves' range from wanting children to knowing how to read. The list is ridiculous. I want to "select all" from both categories.)
step 4.) send 3 open-ended essay type questions. either choose from the list or use or brain.
step 5.) someone grows the balls to send an actual email with words you come up with on your very own!!
step 6.) make a phone call

The first call from him was so boring I found myself replacing photos in picture frames while we were chatting. He was long-winded with short-ranged vocal inflection. His job was "to help athletes become athletes". He said things like: "let the game come to you". His dialog was riddled with "reps" "sets" "strength" "endurance" "challenge". I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I wasn't going to talk to him ever again, but my friends and family chalked his monotonous rambling up to nervous chatter, so I gave him another try.

The second call was much better. Turns out he likes Family Guy, and dropped a few lines that made me giggle. He was sarcastic, but not smart enough to be droll. Anyway, he liked sushi, and that earned him a first date....

We met at a local sushi spot on the evening of Dayton's first real snow storm of the new year. Eight inches of snow on the ground, and I was out on a date.  The date was a day or two after the tragic Arizona shootings, and I couldn't help but notice the striking resemblance between he and the shooter. (Minus the lunatic look in his eye. I think he was a genuinely nice guy.)

The first 10 minutes of conversation was all about his workout that day. How many reps of sets, and soreness and borrrring. He repeated a couple stories I'd already heard during our phone conversation. The sushi was so-so. They kicked us out an hour before actual closing time because the roads were getting worse. It was a welcome ejection. He walked me to the car, asked me out on a second date. I broke the bad news the next day over the phone: "I didn't feel the romantic chemistry I'd hoped for, Boring Ben. I'm really bummed. I'm sorry."
He was pissed.

lemme get you up to speed


January Something: dinner with family resulted in "i have the perfect guy for you!! his name is *vajayjay. you two are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo going to hit it off!!"

next day: facebook request, texting, email from vajayjay himself.

three days later: first date. he's late. we met at a nice restaurant at a half way point as he lives in cinci. his lateness resulted in some other Suit buying me a drink. snooze ya looze. the dinner was amazing. chemistry, heat, laugh till ya cry kinda shit. stopped back at the bar after dinner. the bartender kicked us out. it was love... he didn't kiss me at the end of the nite. but i got a text that read: "if i had some gum you would've been kissed" (cough!pussy!cough)

a week later: date #2 perfect. dinner with a coupla his friends then drinks at one of his fav spots. karaoke nite. a 20-something dude in a red sweatshirt and his female friend enter the bar:

the boy in the red sweatshirt immediately approached the dancefloor, put in his song request, and angrily belted out Eminem's "Slim Shady". We were mesmerized!! I called him over to our table after the performance. His sweatshirt read STEVENBOT. He informed us that he, himself was not a robot; his cousin was 1/2 robot, but still accepted by the robot community. STEVENBOT referred to himself not as a rapper, but a rappist. Has a certain ring to it, wouldn't you say???

after the bar we went back to his house for a glass of champaign. the nite ended early. after all, i'm only a part-time human, and his plane to Costa Rica departed at 4 a.m.

text from him in Costa Rica: "i can't stop thinking about you! i'm giddy about it. so glad we met"

two weeks later: (THE ICE STORM) after two weeks of texting (but NO phone calling !warning!warning!) from morn till nite on the daily, he came to pick me up for date #3. Dewey's pizza, wine, t.v. So nice to hang out without a restaurant table/bar table/50 miles between us. Lots of laughs till it hurt. The sky was pissing ice. Roads were bad. I spent the nite.

next day i get a text: "thanks for hanging out last nite"  the end.
then next day text: "felt good to get some sleep"  the end.

.... then nothing. nothing for 5 days. i was in florida. he was in Texas at the Superbowl. He got a picture with John Travolta. badass.
then i got a text "send me a pic of your tanlines" WTF NO!! it was 9a.m.. That was the second request I received that day for a bikini pic. I need new friends...

more silence.....
deleted him from my facebook, my phone, my email....

a week later text:
vajayjay "did you get rid of your facebook?"
me: "no, i'm just not the kind of girl to sit and wait by the phone"
vajayjay: "i understand. hit me up if you're ever in cincy and want to hang out"

me: broken. i fall in love too quickly. need to get a gig as a part-time robot.

*name changed to protect his vaginal identity