Friday, February 18, 2011

Bahrain Brian

Bahrain Brian was another eharmony gem.
He was a suit&tie kinda guy just returning to the states after doing contract work for the government in Iraq and Bahrain. His profile photos depicted a Benicio Del Toro doppelganger. He loved music, traveling, food, wine, and could speak about 4 languages. He was one of the first dudes eharmony ever hooked me up with. We fucking winked and shit, and eventually got around to emailing, but never communicated on a regular basis.
Out of the blue he starts blowing me up. Emails lead to text messages. Text messages to facebook friends. He's a new convert to Catholicism. He comments on the facebook pics of my daughter's baptism. Seems like a good dude, overall.
I keep phone conversations short and sweet. Mostly because I'm becoming jaded and bitter, but also because the sound of his squeaky voice makes the cilia in my ear curl. We make plans for a date...
Date night:::  ....he is 30 minutes late...
His lateness earns him a friendly handshake rather than a hug, and I quiver at his weak&squishy grip.
His profile says he is a nonsmoker, but he reeks of cigs, and I make out a square pack in his pocket.
He has a terrible habit of starting sentences and not finishing them, which prompted me to give a reflex "HUNH???" about 79 times per conversation.
Nevermind that, his profile also states he is 5'9''. I wore a 4 inch heel with a one inch platform (I'm 5'4'') and towered over him. He was built like Peter Griffin. Bad teeth, bad clothes and bad cologne (I'm pretty sure he was wearing Curve cologne, yikes!!). Benicio Del Toro he was not....
Within the first hour he informed me he is "big" and wears Trojan Magnum condoms, and that the best lube is KY for Her "in the pinkish box", and he thinks I'll like it, too. A good Catholic he was not....
I already had a martini in me at that point, and felt a little too buzzed to drive or else I would've left on that note.
Two hours into the date he casually mentions his favorite porn is Arab Amature, and provides me with a brief description of what that entails.
Date over.

texts the next day: BeniciNO: "just checking to see you made it home ok"
                           Me: yep, sure did.
                           BeniciNO: it took me 4 hours to get home, i had to keep stopping because i was so tired. [the asshole only lives 40 minutes from me]
                           Me: that's weird
                           Me again: i appreciated the date, but I am not interested in seeing you again.
He had no response, and erased me from his facebook before i had a chance to do the same.


  1. Condom size, Peter Griffin build, spying his cig pack, his reek of Curve (isn't that for the ladies?), and you ending w/a 'not interested in seeing you again'...all of that shit, RULES!