Friday, February 18, 2011

Boring Ben

I met Boring Ben the most boring way possible: (Vajayjay was in Costa Rica at the time)
He was a good-looking bald dude. He was in to working out, eating healthy, and me. We did the eharmony shuffle which consists of:
step 1.) fucking "wink"
step 2.) send 5 contrived close-ended questions that mean nothing to nobody
step 3.) send "must haves&can't stands". (The technicalities of MH&CS are simple: pick 10 from a list of about 50 reprehensible personality traits you abhor, and pick 10 of 50 personality traits a potential mate must possess. The 'can't stands' range from pedophilia to bankruptcy. The 'must haves' range from wanting children to knowing how to read. The list is ridiculous. I want to "select all" from both categories.)
step 4.) send 3 open-ended essay type questions. either choose from the list or use or brain.
step 5.) someone grows the balls to send an actual email with words you come up with on your very own!!
step 6.) make a phone call

The first call from him was so boring I found myself replacing photos in picture frames while we were chatting. He was long-winded with short-ranged vocal inflection. His job was "to help athletes become athletes". He said things like: "let the game come to you". His dialog was riddled with "reps" "sets" "strength" "endurance" "challenge". I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I wasn't going to talk to him ever again, but my friends and family chalked his monotonous rambling up to nervous chatter, so I gave him another try.

The second call was much better. Turns out he likes Family Guy, and dropped a few lines that made me giggle. He was sarcastic, but not smart enough to be droll. Anyway, he liked sushi, and that earned him a first date....

We met at a local sushi spot on the evening of Dayton's first real snow storm of the new year. Eight inches of snow on the ground, and I was out on a date.  The date was a day or two after the tragic Arizona shootings, and I couldn't help but notice the striking resemblance between he and the shooter. (Minus the lunatic look in his eye. I think he was a genuinely nice guy.)

The first 10 minutes of conversation was all about his workout that day. How many reps of sets, and soreness and borrrring. He repeated a couple stories I'd already heard during our phone conversation. The sushi was so-so. They kicked us out an hour before actual closing time because the roads were getting worse. It was a welcome ejection. He walked me to the car, asked me out on a second date. I broke the bad news the next day over the phone: "I didn't feel the romantic chemistry I'd hoped for, Boring Ben. I'm really bummed. I'm sorry."
He was pissed.


  1. You rule that you told him it wasn't happnin, hot stuff. Did I mention I'm loving this shit. Eating it with a spoon! TRUE LOVE.

  2. ME TOO!!! I need more soon. When are we going out again? I love how direct you are. Seriously, this stuff is fantastic.