Thursday, May 26, 2011

i hate this part

So, I'm still in recovery from the 6 week tryst that broke my loving soul. Now it's time to let this guy down and I don't want to do it!
I've tried. I've really tried to look past the fact that I shiver at the thought of him touching me. That his cologne disgusts me. How he manages to offend all five of my senses. I've tried to overlook these things because we really do have a lot in common. We use the same made-up words, listen to the same music, watch the same shows. Our favorite bar happens to be the same obscure pub! On paper things look perfect.... well, as long as his cologne hasn't wafted near the paper... 
We've gone on half a dozen dates. He finally kissed me. It was horrible. Awful really. I'm still happy it's over. 
Now it's time to end the rest of the deal. And I gotta let him off easy. I don't want to inspire a blog, or break a loving soul. Not again. But unlike the Vajayjay I will tell him I'm not interested. Only true Vajayjays back away slowly until they disappear altogether.

Monday, May 2, 2011

thin line between lust and date

a good match at last, i think...
he makes me cry laughing, smart, successful, educated, loves hip hop music, reality tv, exercises regularly... but i don't want to jump him. i don't even really wanna hold his hand.
is this a game of mind over "does it really matter"?
we are so comfortable together. i feel really in tune with him. no sign of psychosis after 3 long fabulous dates. he hasn't even tried to kiss me. nothing more than a hug. maybe he feels the same way?
after years of dating duds who flip my switch, i think it's time to go for the guy who entertains my brain. looking forward to the next date, and hopefully a first kiss.

Friday, April 8, 2011

One Stop Cop

   I think I always secretly wanted to date a cop. I mean...Fuck it, right?
   I've spent 1/2 my life doing things that would make a cop shake his head back-and-forth like Willow Smith, but like I said. Fuck it.
   Josh looked like a handsome bloke in his profile pictures: over 6 feet-tall, blond hair, blue eyes, a prominent nose, a strong jaw line and a healthy dusting of freckles. All of his pictures showed him with a wide, closed- mouth smile. There was a kindness in his eyes that appealed to me. Looked sweet, really.
   Other than the fact that we are both single parents of ADORABLE little girls, we had nothing in common. Nothing. He was a MIX FM kinda guy, and Journey makes me wanna pluck my eyelashes out. He loved Tosh.O, and action movies; I can't stand either. He'd never had Indian food, and was nervous to try it because spicy food makes his sinuses hurt from when he was stabbed in the face (true story). He didn't exercise, hated hip-hop music, drank Coors light, loved NASCAR and had ze-ro sense of humor. I've laughed harder at a smeared turd on the ground (true story).
   Our short-lived relationship occurred over the phone: text messages and phone calls. I would call him on my way home from work most days. Every one of those phone conversations started with him asking, "Are you speeding?" Yes I was, I'd tell him. Ten miles over the legal limit. "Ahh that's nothin," he'd say.
   He worked nights and would call me from the patrol car. I got a thorough education on the amount of drugs that run per day through his district. He was happy to share Copper stories in his deep monotone voice; a distant chuckle every now and then as he recalled the situations. I could almost hear him shaking his head.
   Josh was a newbie copper. He'd spent 6 years in the Air Force, and was deployed three times. He had some stories, I'll tell ya. Story after story kept me coming back for more.
   Two weeks of texts and phone calls, and he never asked me out on a date. Never even brought it up. I told him I'm not looking for a phone-a-friend. Another 10 days later he asked me out on Friday for a date on Monday, but didn't suggest any concrete plans. Saturday and Sunday passed without a word. Monday came and almost went before he cancelled. He blamed the sudden change of plans on his daughter.
   "Let's just forget it all completely." I texted back.
   "Ok." he said.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Can get a shake with that Lie?

Jake the Shake Weight contacted me on match. He claims I was the only girl he'd ever emailed on the site (lie #1).
Jake the Shake Weight is a divorced personal trainer with cauliflower ear who has two huge dogs, and full custody of his 13-year-old son. He owns a house (wait, did he say apartment that time? #2), owns his own business (didn't that last text say he owns THREE businesses? #3) a degree in Nuclear Engineering (#4) and a Master's degree in some really long title that he simplified as, "basically computer hacking" (#5). He talked fast, ate fast and adorned every text with a variety of smiley faces :-/
We talked for about a week over the phone, text and email. He was kind of charming, quick-witted and super passionate about health and fitness. Above all he was passionate about meeting me. Within the first week I was invited to lunch, dinner, his son's lacross game, a Reds game, and his other son's 16th birthday party (wait, I thought he only had one son! #6).
The answer to every questions started with, "Weeeeeeeellllll.... it's kind of a long story" (aka lie).
I get approached by a lot of single dads who have full custody of the kiddos. I didn't even know there was so many of them out there. The story of why/how they became a single dad is usually convoluted and sad. His was just pathetic. I won't get into it. Another weird detail was that he hadn't seen his own mom in 6 years, but she had just popped back into his life that very day (#7?).
He was DYYYYYYYIIINNNNNGGGGGGG to meet me. He was willing to jump rivers to have a cup of coffee with me. It was weird. I finally freed up some time to hang out with him. I suggested a coffee shop. He wanted IHOP. Whatever. He suggested I let his MOM babysit for the coffee, the Reds game, the lacrosse game, etc. I sincerely declined.
IHOP was filthy, as expected. He was a little greasy and apparently really hungry having come straight from a workout. I dressed in basically my finest pajamas. (I'm clearly over it)  He literally shoved his face between stories about being hit by a car on the highway while changing a stranger's tire (#8), where his ex-wife lived (Louisville? Cinci? Middle Earth? [#9]), AND my favorite stack of lies: his degrees.
He must've built a woodshed to store all those gleaming degrees. At first he had two: a bachelor's and a master's as previously stated. In the next stated paragraph he had three: TWO bachelor's and a master's. After being questioned he had only one: a bachelor's! He then said he wasn't "sure whether this one counts", but he had "tested out" of his associate's degree! Like a fucking math class, he tested out! Incredible! On top of the associate's he had a bachelor's, and was three courses away from completing his master's! And all of this stellar education took place online (#s 10-17).
I left. I literally had to go. I didn't even finish my crepe. He went on and on about what I should be eating, and how often I should eat in order to get in shape. Unsolicited personal training in the crusty confines of an IHOP.
Thanks for dining. Please don't come again.
He called me on my way home. He wanted to know what I thought about him. He went on and on and on about the power of pheromones. I interrupted. I explained that I really wasn't feeling it. He let out a dramatic "Oh NoOOOO!" and I never heard from him again.
I'm checking to see if I might "test out" of a doctorate in something that basically means human lie detection. I think I've got a real shot.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hair plugs and Man boobs

Like a stale chicken nugget, Matt McNormal and I had no flavor. Date number two was just as dry as the first. No big deal.
Then I had this other guy, (whom I'm CERTAIN had hair plugs, but I'm trying to keep an open mind) ask me out on a date. I did the babysitter shuffle only to have him cancel on me! He says, "but don't forget about me!"
Don't worry asshole. I won't forget you were the guy who bailed on me after I busted my ass finding a babysitter, and stressed all day about covering up the freak zit on my cheek that won't go away.
Oh, and let me not forget ROSS. He and I exchanged a few emails on He asked for my phone number. The next afternoon I had a picture text pop up of him in his boxer briefs (is that a lil chubby I see? yes, it is) man-boobs and all. His tits were bigger than mine. I began to wonder: do they grant a discount for a couples liposuction?
All-in-all, this week was completely inappropriate and disturbing.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

this is rill

an actual "about me" copied-and-pasted from a dude who 'winked' at me:

I like some one that is out going and fun.....that is good with kids , and in joys being out doors !going camping .. and i like to shop .... some one that likes haveing a cup of coffee .. some one that in joye taking care of there self.... i like to have sone that would go work out with me..

= not a match.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Matt McNormal

Matt McNormal was a such relief. I'm no longer foolish enough to commit to dinner on a blind date, so we met for a drink.
First impression: great posture, perfect teeth, tall&trim but not lanky, not a whiff of cologne and a little bit of a country boy drawl.
We both ordered the Ultimate Margarita. He takes his rim unsalted. We blabbed for three hours over that one drink. (side note: I'm such a lightweight that half-way through the night I actually drooled on myself a little, but I don't think he caught it... I'm a complete disaster)
As we left he didn't ask for my phone number or another date. I chalked it up to a lack of chemistry (or the drool bomb) and wasn't that disappointed. Sure, we had a lot in common, and time zipped by, but I wasn't dying to jump the table.
Next day I had a very polite email from him: he had a great time, would like to take me out again.
:: Another order of Matt McNormal coming right up ::

come again??

eharmony got shut down immediately following a conversation with a "spiritual" jewish lad who loves yoga, sushi and rugby. we exchanged a few emails. most were about normal things: music, yoga, fav vacation spots. then he hit me with a left cross, "yeah, i like pilates, too. if we start dating i'm going to take a few liberties with your pilates butt."
what say WHAT

first bahrain brian now this?
i need to take a bah-reather

Friday, February 18, 2011

Bahrain Brian

Bahrain Brian was another eharmony gem.
He was a suit&tie kinda guy just returning to the states after doing contract work for the government in Iraq and Bahrain. His profile photos depicted a Benicio Del Toro doppelganger. He loved music, traveling, food, wine, and could speak about 4 languages. He was one of the first dudes eharmony ever hooked me up with. We fucking winked and shit, and eventually got around to emailing, but never communicated on a regular basis.
Out of the blue he starts blowing me up. Emails lead to text messages. Text messages to facebook friends. He's a new convert to Catholicism. He comments on the facebook pics of my daughter's baptism. Seems like a good dude, overall.
I keep phone conversations short and sweet. Mostly because I'm becoming jaded and bitter, but also because the sound of his squeaky voice makes the cilia in my ear curl. We make plans for a date...
Date night:::  ....he is 30 minutes late...
His lateness earns him a friendly handshake rather than a hug, and I quiver at his weak&squishy grip.
His profile says he is a nonsmoker, but he reeks of cigs, and I make out a square pack in his pocket.
He has a terrible habit of starting sentences and not finishing them, which prompted me to give a reflex "HUNH???" about 79 times per conversation.
Nevermind that, his profile also states he is 5'9''. I wore a 4 inch heel with a one inch platform (I'm 5'4'') and towered over him. He was built like Peter Griffin. Bad teeth, bad clothes and bad cologne (I'm pretty sure he was wearing Curve cologne, yikes!!). Benicio Del Toro he was not....
Within the first hour he informed me he is "big" and wears Trojan Magnum condoms, and that the best lube is KY for Her "in the pinkish box", and he thinks I'll like it, too. A good Catholic he was not....
I already had a martini in me at that point, and felt a little too buzzed to drive or else I would've left on that note.
Two hours into the date he casually mentions his favorite porn is Arab Amature, and provides me with a brief description of what that entails.
Date over.

texts the next day: BeniciNO: "just checking to see you made it home ok"
                           Me: yep, sure did.
                           BeniciNO: it took me 4 hours to get home, i had to keep stopping because i was so tired. [the asshole only lives 40 minutes from me]
                           Me: that's weird
                           Me again: i appreciated the date, but I am not interested in seeing you again.
He had no response, and erased me from his facebook before i had a chance to do the same.

Boring Ben

I met Boring Ben the most boring way possible: (Vajayjay was in Costa Rica at the time)
He was a good-looking bald dude. He was in to working out, eating healthy, and me. We did the eharmony shuffle which consists of:
step 1.) fucking "wink"
step 2.) send 5 contrived close-ended questions that mean nothing to nobody
step 3.) send "must haves&can't stands". (The technicalities of MH&CS are simple: pick 10 from a list of about 50 reprehensible personality traits you abhor, and pick 10 of 50 personality traits a potential mate must possess. The 'can't stands' range from pedophilia to bankruptcy. The 'must haves' range from wanting children to knowing how to read. The list is ridiculous. I want to "select all" from both categories.)
step 4.) send 3 open-ended essay type questions. either choose from the list or use or brain.
step 5.) someone grows the balls to send an actual email with words you come up with on your very own!!
step 6.) make a phone call

The first call from him was so boring I found myself replacing photos in picture frames while we were chatting. He was long-winded with short-ranged vocal inflection. His job was "to help athletes become athletes". He said things like: "let the game come to you". His dialog was riddled with "reps" "sets" "strength" "endurance" "challenge". I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I wasn't going to talk to him ever again, but my friends and family chalked his monotonous rambling up to nervous chatter, so I gave him another try.

The second call was much better. Turns out he likes Family Guy, and dropped a few lines that made me giggle. He was sarcastic, but not smart enough to be droll. Anyway, he liked sushi, and that earned him a first date....

We met at a local sushi spot on the evening of Dayton's first real snow storm of the new year. Eight inches of snow on the ground, and I was out on a date.  The date was a day or two after the tragic Arizona shootings, and I couldn't help but notice the striking resemblance between he and the shooter. (Minus the lunatic look in his eye. I think he was a genuinely nice guy.)

The first 10 minutes of conversation was all about his workout that day. How many reps of sets, and soreness and borrrring. He repeated a couple stories I'd already heard during our phone conversation. The sushi was so-so. They kicked us out an hour before actual closing time because the roads were getting worse. It was a welcome ejection. He walked me to the car, asked me out on a second date. I broke the bad news the next day over the phone: "I didn't feel the romantic chemistry I'd hoped for, Boring Ben. I'm really bummed. I'm sorry."
He was pissed.

lemme get you up to speed


January Something: dinner with family resulted in "i have the perfect guy for you!! his name is *vajayjay. you two are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo going to hit it off!!"

next day: facebook request, texting, email from vajayjay himself.

three days later: first date. he's late. we met at a nice restaurant at a half way point as he lives in cinci. his lateness resulted in some other Suit buying me a drink. snooze ya looze. the dinner was amazing. chemistry, heat, laugh till ya cry kinda shit. stopped back at the bar after dinner. the bartender kicked us out. it was love... he didn't kiss me at the end of the nite. but i got a text that read: "if i had some gum you would've been kissed" (cough!pussy!cough)

a week later: date #2 perfect. dinner with a coupla his friends then drinks at one of his fav spots. karaoke nite. a 20-something dude in a red sweatshirt and his female friend enter the bar:

the boy in the red sweatshirt immediately approached the dancefloor, put in his song request, and angrily belted out Eminem's "Slim Shady". We were mesmerized!! I called him over to our table after the performance. His sweatshirt read STEVENBOT. He informed us that he, himself was not a robot; his cousin was 1/2 robot, but still accepted by the robot community. STEVENBOT referred to himself not as a rapper, but a rappist. Has a certain ring to it, wouldn't you say???

after the bar we went back to his house for a glass of champaign. the nite ended early. after all, i'm only a part-time human, and his plane to Costa Rica departed at 4 a.m.

text from him in Costa Rica: "i can't stop thinking about you! i'm giddy about it. so glad we met"

two weeks later: (THE ICE STORM) after two weeks of texting (but NO phone calling !warning!warning!) from morn till nite on the daily, he came to pick me up for date #3. Dewey's pizza, wine, t.v. So nice to hang out without a restaurant table/bar table/50 miles between us. Lots of laughs till it hurt. The sky was pissing ice. Roads were bad. I spent the nite.

next day i get a text: "thanks for hanging out last nite"  the end.
then next day text: "felt good to get some sleep"  the end.

.... then nothing. nothing for 5 days. i was in florida. he was in Texas at the Superbowl. He got a picture with John Travolta. badass.
then i got a text "send me a pic of your tanlines" WTF NO!! it was 9a.m.. That was the second request I received that day for a bikini pic. I need new friends...

more silence.....
deleted him from my facebook, my phone, my email....

a week later text:
vajayjay "did you get rid of your facebook?"
me: "no, i'm just not the kind of girl to sit and wait by the phone"
vajayjay: "i understand. hit me up if you're ever in cincy and want to hang out"

me: broken. i fall in love too quickly. need to get a gig as a part-time robot.

*name changed to protect his vaginal identity