Friday, February 18, 2011

lemme get you up to speed


January Something: dinner with family resulted in "i have the perfect guy for you!! his name is *vajayjay. you two are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo going to hit it off!!"

next day: facebook request, texting, email from vajayjay himself.

three days later: first date. he's late. we met at a nice restaurant at a half way point as he lives in cinci. his lateness resulted in some other Suit buying me a drink. snooze ya looze. the dinner was amazing. chemistry, heat, laugh till ya cry kinda shit. stopped back at the bar after dinner. the bartender kicked us out. it was love... he didn't kiss me at the end of the nite. but i got a text that read: "if i had some gum you would've been kissed" (cough!pussy!cough)

a week later: date #2 perfect. dinner with a coupla his friends then drinks at one of his fav spots. karaoke nite. a 20-something dude in a red sweatshirt and his female friend enter the bar:

the boy in the red sweatshirt immediately approached the dancefloor, put in his song request, and angrily belted out Eminem's "Slim Shady". We were mesmerized!! I called him over to our table after the performance. His sweatshirt read STEVENBOT. He informed us that he, himself was not a robot; his cousin was 1/2 robot, but still accepted by the robot community. STEVENBOT referred to himself not as a rapper, but a rappist. Has a certain ring to it, wouldn't you say???

after the bar we went back to his house for a glass of champaign. the nite ended early. after all, i'm only a part-time human, and his plane to Costa Rica departed at 4 a.m.

text from him in Costa Rica: "i can't stop thinking about you! i'm giddy about it. so glad we met"

two weeks later: (THE ICE STORM) after two weeks of texting (but NO phone calling !warning!warning!) from morn till nite on the daily, he came to pick me up for date #3. Dewey's pizza, wine, t.v. So nice to hang out without a restaurant table/bar table/50 miles between us. Lots of laughs till it hurt. The sky was pissing ice. Roads were bad. I spent the nite.

next day i get a text: "thanks for hanging out last nite"  the end.
then next day text: "felt good to get some sleep"  the end.

.... then nothing. nothing for 5 days. i was in florida. he was in Texas at the Superbowl. He got a picture with John Travolta. badass.
then i got a text "send me a pic of your tanlines" WTF NO!! it was 9a.m.. That was the second request I received that day for a bikini pic. I need new friends...

more silence.....
deleted him from my facebook, my phone, my email....

a week later text:
vajayjay "did you get rid of your facebook?"
me: "no, i'm just not the kind of girl to sit and wait by the phone"
vajayjay: "i understand. hit me up if you're ever in cincy and want to hang out"

me: broken. i fall in love too quickly. need to get a gig as a part-time robot.

*name changed to protect his vaginal identity


  1. shoulda halted at the name Vajayjay....come on now, Nanny!

  2. p.s. I'm giddy that you are blogging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. what a fucker. what a great story.